Monday morning contemplations

So after writing the following, I came up to the top here. I don’t really know where this all came from today, I was going to sit down and recap the good sermons I heard over the weekend. Instead I ended up with this rant and I don’t even know if it makes sense. I was so frustrated this morning and it felt good to get some of this out, but in the end I’m not even sure what I “got out”…

I hate politics. Last night Pastor Steve was talking about how as Christians we have a duty to involve ourselves in politics by voting, being active and taking a stand against injustice. I agree. But I’m not talking about those kinds of politics.
I hate office politics, church politics, for goodness sakes even family and friend relationships have politics. The ridiculous dynamics that constrict and hinder how one wants to act and should act, but can’t because they may offend or cause some damage to themselves (for example workplace politics, do we have a choice but to play along when our livelihood may be at stake??). In my own life I can see a willingness to stand up for myself more in some areas over others. It frustrates me because I want to have consistency in my life. Consistency in what I say, how I act, my strength…
At school I’m not very likely to let someone walk all over me, in my classes or in any of my groups that I have to work in. Maybe I can be stronger because I truly don’t care what anyone thinks of me there. In fact right now I’m having a bit of a problem with a prof. She tried to argue a point I was making in a presentation a while ago and ended up making herself look somewhat foolish. I’m all for learning from my profs… I mean, that’s what they are there for. But this one has a hard time “instructing”, any questions or arguments raised in class she seems to take as a direct attack instead of the learning tool that it is. I feel kind of bad for her, but her insecurities are not my problem and she needs to realize that every time she tries to embarrass me or another student in front of the class it just makes her look bad. (This isn’t so much of a political issue, it just came to mind when I mentioned school… random rant, moving on).
At work and church I think I’m learning to be stronger. I feel like I’ve found a church that for a change, I’m actually excited about. The Gate has been teaching me so much through their worship, their passion and excitement, and how unashamedly they love God and truth. I’m challenged in ways I haven’t experienced since Brent Friesen was my youth pastor in high school. I want to get involved in this church, I want to serve here. Maybe it’s not right of me to compare churches, I really don’t know. I’m not trying to be judgmental. I know that E-Free meets the needs of many many people, and I’m very happy for them. But to me it seems that it is the group of wealthy individuals who go to E-Free that get the most of the church. It seems to be bureaucratic and hierarchical in nature. I’m not threatened by it, but I’m not entirely comfortable there. The only aspect I’ve been enjoying lately about E-Free is the 02 service. There I can see individuals interested in building the kingdom of God, but there is still a lot of uncertainty in this service. Maybe I should be using this opportunity to stand up and encourage those people trying to build this service… I think I might make that my goal for the next week.
When it comes to work… oh my. I don’t think it helps that I work with family, because clearly that adds a whole new dimension to the relational structure in the office. I’m glad to say though, that especially since the beginning of January I’ve really been trying to view my workplace differently. I’m fully aware that I have a hard time separating my dad as my boss (whom I have to listen to and not challenge when a decision is made) from my dad as my dad. It’s hard though; I know that because of our relationship I might be more sensitive to something he would say at work, in front of other staff members, than if it had been said in a family-only setting. It’s complicated and really stressful at times, and the power-struggle between almost all the people here is unbelievable. But I think I’m learning through this. I’m very glad that I won’t be in this position forever though…
Sometimes it seems to me that the area where I’m least likely to stand up for myself and say what I really want to say is with my friends. Not all of them… for example, I feel like I can tell Chryslyn almost everything and I definitely hear from her when I’m doing something that may be slightly concerning. Chrys, thank you so much for your accountability, the raised eye-brows and the “be careful” warnings. :)
With some of the people I’m less close to though, I think I need to learn when to tell them when they are crossing a line with me. It’s hard, I’m afraid I’ll offend them because they don’t understand me. It’s a valid fear, it’s been done before. Why do people get so defensive and angry when I try to exert my individuality and express who I really am? Because of this, I find it so difficult to sit down and explain to someone face to face about my need for boundaries. I’m not like everyone else. In fact, no one is like everyone else. One of the greatest errors I think we all make is grouping all the individuals we know into a great mass of humanity with assumed societal preferences and culture. Just because you are one way, please don’t assume I am as well.
Sorry for the long post. Maybe it wasn’t even all about politics, more just me. Weird, I’m all over the place today. I would like to congratulate anyone who made it to the end without yawning or wondering if there’s something better you can be doing with your time. If you can prove to me that you read the whole thing, maybe I’ll even give you a present. Remember I’m on a budget though... do you like cream of wheat??? :)