Monday morning contemplations

So after writing the following, I came up to the top here. I don’t really know where this all came from today, I was going to sit down and recap the good sermons I heard over the weekend. Instead I ended up with this rant and I don’t even know if it makes sense. I was so frustrated this morning and it felt good to get some of this out, but in the end I’m not even sure what I “got out”…

I hate politics. Last night Pastor Steve was talking about how as Christians we have a duty to involve ourselves in politics by voting, being active and taking a stand against injustice. I agree. But I’m not talking about those kinds of politics.
I hate office politics, church politics, for goodness sakes even family and friend relationships have politics. The ridiculous dynamics that constrict and hinder how one wants to act and should act, but can’t because they may offend or cause some damage to themselves (for example workplace politics, do we have a choice but to play along when our livelihood may be at stake??). In my own life I can see a willingness to stand up for myself more in some areas over others. It frustrates me because I want to have consistency in my life. Consistency in what I say, how I act, my strength…
At school I’m not very likely to let someone walk all over me, in my classes or in any of my groups that I have to work in. Maybe I can be stronger because I truly don’t care what anyone thinks of me there. In fact right now I’m having a bit of a problem with a prof. She tried to argue a point I was making in a presentation a while ago and ended up making herself look somewhat foolish. I’m all for learning from my profs… I mean, that’s what they are there for. But this one has a hard time “instructing”, any questions or arguments raised in class she seems to take as a direct attack instead of the learning tool that it is. I feel kind of bad for her, but her insecurities are not my problem and she needs to realize that every time she tries to embarrass me or another student in front of the class it just makes her look bad. (This isn’t so much of a political issue, it just came to mind when I mentioned school… random rant, moving on).
At work and church I think I’m learning to be stronger. I feel like I’ve found a church that for a change, I’m actually excited about. The Gate has been teaching me so much through their worship, their passion and excitement, and how unashamedly they love God and truth. I’m challenged in ways I haven’t experienced since Brent Friesen was my youth pastor in high school. I want to get involved in this church, I want to serve here. Maybe it’s not right of me to compare churches, I really don’t know. I’m not trying to be judgmental. I know that E-Free meets the needs of many many people, and I’m very happy for them. But to me it seems that it is the group of wealthy individuals who go to E-Free that get the most of the church. It seems to be bureaucratic and hierarchical in nature. I’m not threatened by it, but I’m not entirely comfortable there. The only aspect I’ve been enjoying lately about E-Free is the 02 service. There I can see individuals interested in building the kingdom of God, but there is still a lot of uncertainty in this service. Maybe I should be using this opportunity to stand up and encourage those people trying to build this service… I think I might make that my goal for the next week.
When it comes to work… oh my. I don’t think it helps that I work with family, because clearly that adds a whole new dimension to the relational structure in the office. I’m glad to say though, that especially since the beginning of January I’ve really been trying to view my workplace differently. I’m fully aware that I have a hard time separating my dad as my boss (whom I have to listen to and not challenge when a decision is made) from my dad as my dad. It’s hard though; I know that because of our relationship I might be more sensitive to something he would say at work, in front of other staff members, than if it had been said in a family-only setting. It’s complicated and really stressful at times, and the power-struggle between almost all the people here is unbelievable. But I think I’m learning through this. I’m very glad that I won’t be in this position forever though…
Sometimes it seems to me that the area where I’m least likely to stand up for myself and say what I really want to say is with my friends. Not all of them… for example, I feel like I can tell Chryslyn almost everything and I definitely hear from her when I’m doing something that may be slightly concerning. Chrys, thank you so much for your accountability, the raised eye-brows and the “be careful” warnings. :)
With some of the people I’m less close to though, I think I need to learn when to tell them when they are crossing a line with me. It’s hard, I’m afraid I’ll offend them because they don’t understand me. It’s a valid fear, it’s been done before. Why do people get so defensive and angry when I try to exert my individuality and express who I really am? Because of this, I find it so difficult to sit down and explain to someone face to face about my need for boundaries. I’m not like everyone else. In fact, no one is like everyone else. One of the greatest errors I think we all make is grouping all the individuals we know into a great mass of humanity with assumed societal preferences and culture. Just because you are one way, please don’t assume I am as well.
Sorry for the long post. Maybe it wasn’t even all about politics, more just me. Weird, I’m all over the place today. I would like to congratulate anyone who made it to the end without yawning or wondering if there’s something better you can be doing with your time. If you can prove to me that you read the whole thing, maybe I’ll even give you a present. Remember I’m on a budget though... do you like cream of wheat??? :)

All that is left to say

Home of the Noble Blade

It's reading week and I couldn't be happier. But I think I maybe look at this week with a wrong perspective. As much as I would love it to be, this isn't a week "off". I'm working every day instead of going to class. I can't completely ignore school for the whole week either, as much as I would love to. My biggest fear for this week (other than somehow being unable to cope with life without Chryslyn around) is that I won't use this opportunity to avoid massive amounts of stress later in the semester. So really, there's nothing special about this week at all, school and work, but I don't mind. In fact I thought I'd get an early start and came out to Nobleford today. But as you can see, I'm maybe not working quite as hard as I should be. I really don't understand, but I love being here on the weekend when no one else is. But any week day, this place has an amazing ability to fill me with stress, horror, anger and many other negative emotions. Not all the time, but some days... wow. I'm going to try to capitalize on my current good mood now by going back to work. Which for today consists of blasting my music, some paperwork (done T-4s, YESSSS!), cleaning, and dancing madly around the office whenever the urge hits.

Happy V-Day!!!!

Single on Valentines Day, just the way I like it.
I'm completely serious, no sarcasm there. Anyone who knows me knows my levels of relationship/commitment phobia so I'm quite happy with my plans for a fabulous no-pressure dinner with my beautiful friends.
Had a good weekend, despite the ever present issue of no-voice sickness. Today is actually much better, I haven't been mistaken for a 1-900 number worker yet, but it's still early.
I went to the Gate on Sunday morning and was challenged more than I have been in the last 6 months of going to E-Free. They spoke the complete un-filtered truth, the kind that I haven't seen much of from our own pulpit. That makes me sad, but also hopeful. I've felt that something has been missing in my church life for a while, and I'm excited to see if going to the Gate more regularly might be the answer I need.
I was supposed to have a double-date, but it really turned out to be a day spent with Chris and Kevin (I guess you could still call it a double-date from my perspective..). I really had no expectations going into the day, but it turned out to be very nice. Just kind of mellow and relaxing, until I lost my dog. I hate that. I can't imagine loosing a child, I already freak out when my dog is gone for five minutes.
I was supposed to have a midterm today, but it got pushed back to Thursday, I'm so happy, I definitely didn't study as much as I should have, hopefully I can use this opportunity to correct that problem.
Reading week is soon, I'm going to need constant supervision since Chryslyn is leaving.. anyone wanna Jess-sit?




Also, just throwing this out there for anyone to consider. Next fall/winter I'm planning on doing some traveling. I'm thinking Europe (Italy, Spain, Greece etc.) and though I will still go by myself if no one is available, I know my parents would be much happier if I could find a friend or two to go with. Anyone interested??

house-sitting and more

Back in my parent's house. It's kind of strange, I spent 10 years of my life here, but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. The dogs (as much as I love them) aren't mine anymore either. It's still kinda nice though, to get away and have time to myself. Not that I spend a lot of time with my roomates, but we still share space. Here I only have to share space with furry beast that are pretty easy to please; food, play time and a cuddle here and there and they're pretty happy with me.
My main aim in staying here was to get HEALTHY. Eat good food, excercize and hermitize for a while, and get lots of sleep. But today hasn't been much of a healthy day, hopefully it's a one day deal and I'm still on the up and up.
Crazy couple of weeks ahead of me: midterms, projects, presentations and then READING WEEK. Woohoo! I think...
I'm not gonna lie, I might be terrified at the prospect of Chryslyn leaving me alone for the whole week. We know what that could mean...
Hot tub party anyone? We've got until the 14th and you know we have to do it up right.

ode to a cell phone

A good friend, you had been with me for a long time. You were old it's true, but time had given us a bond that few others could understand. I didn't mind that you weighed several pounds. I didn't mind that your most advanced feature was the ability to change the backlight on your display screen. I didn't even mind that you interfered with any other electrical signal within 8 feet. (However, any other person who heard my cd player scream in my car definitely DID mind).
All of this doesn't matter anymore, the fact remains; you are no longer with me. Courtesy of Tony's fat ass. My grief knows no bounds.



WOOHOO CAMERA PHONE HERE I COME!!!!!

a little from my private collection - shades of grey

A little from Mexico...



A little from Atlantic USA...

And a little from me...

XOX

What’s the deal?? (Warning: An honest rant about vomit and other things)

So feeling kind of sick all day yesterday manifested itself into a night of being really “sick”. I’m beyond grossed out by myself these days. I know some of you judge me as “always sick” I see you shake your heads, I hear the comments. Do you think that I don’t try to maintain some kind of health??!! In fact until I moved out of my parent’s house I was always the healthy one. Does eight years without puking mean anything?? I guess not. I know I can take some responsibility for my health, I mean it’s pretty obvious my standard of living has gone way down in the last 2 years. However, I can’t help feeling like some of it is out of my control. For one, I just don’t have the means to live like I used to. I guess another one of my wishes apart from being healthy is to be able to afford to be healthy. As much as I love it, it would be nice to be able to eat something other than cream of wheat for a change. I think I also need to consider the influence stress has on my health. My coping strategies in this area seem to be significantly lacking, but I’m working on it. So what else can I do? I try to get enough sleep, throw a handful of craisins into my cream of wheat, drink lots of water and I don’t party too hard. I refuse to resign myself to being sickly, I just hope that once I’m finished school and move on with my life that I can settle into some kind of health routine. Another eight years would actually be great.

Something else that I want to put out there and get feedback on is this: what is the purpose of a blog?
Talking to Chris last week he said that he thought a blog should be something that reveals someone’s inner thoughts and feelings. For myself, I couldn’t disagree more. The last thing I should be doing is putting what I think, feel and fear out onto the internet for everyone to read. I need to have some kind of control over who has access to my privacy. I have several reasons for this, my need for clear boundaries at this stage in my life is one. I am trying very hard to draw the line between public, personal and private. Anything that falls into the public category is fair game on my blog, and now and then I might say something personal. This program seems to work for me and I know it applies to a lot of you as well. I enjoy browsing your guys’ blogs and seeing what you’ve been up to lately. It seems to be a good tool for keeping in touch with people you don’t see regularly. But what is private for me, for now, stays private. In the past I’ve been far too open about things that should have been kept very quiet. Kind of along those lines, I just want to say that one thing I absolutely cannot stand (in other people and in myself) is when one is cryptic. Seriously, just say what you mean!! And if you don’t want to say anything at all, say that. Comments that dodge around the bush and only cause confusion are completely ridiculous and childish. So, if I tell anyone to mind their own business in the next little while, don’t take it personally (and I’ll say it more nicely than that) just give me my space, I’m trying to act like an adult. And if you’re going to play cryptic word games, I’ll just stop talking to you. For those of you that put everything out there on your blog, I can totally respect that. If you receive release and support by doing that, that’s excellent. I personally will just be looking for support in another direction.

I apologize if I sound weird, cold, or bitchy today; I’m really not trying to. I’ve maybe been a little angry lately, but that’s linked to a bunch of stuff that I’m not going to get into. If I offend anyone lately, please just let me know, it’s not intentional and I want to make amends.